Words of love.....

"Words of love, so soft and tender don't win a girls heart anymore....If you love her then you must send her, somewhere where she's never been before..." - Mama Cass

I have never been that girl that had boyfriends. I spent the majority of my life as a single woman. Thankfully I have always found comfort in that and not heartache. Over the past few years I have had more experience learning about relationships and how to deal with the male species.

A lot of that experience would curl your toes and make you see a side of me you never expected. While most wouldn't understand, that time was a time of empowerment and discovery for me. I learned a lot about myself: how I react to situations when it involves a partner, areas of my life and my personality that I need to reshape and mold to create a healthier dialogue and safe space, the desires that I want from a partner, the faults that I see in myself that others see as amazing strengths, etc..

I reached out to break every single one of my comfort zones when I met this man. He was 100% different than what I was used to in every way, shape and form. It took courage to step out of that circle and embrace something new and fresh and to have the perspective that I would do anything to make that relationship happy, healthy and long lasting.

I have hit a wall where my communication skills, while vast, are not being received or translated in the manner that they should. The red flag that popped up on day 3 is the same red flag that is popping up on day 100 something. I refuse to be THAT girl who ignores all the advice, counsel, guidance, encouragement that I give other people and remain in a place of mire and muck.

For a tiny second I had that nagging fear that I will never, ever find another man who matches me on 97% of my being, who finds me as beautiful and sexy as he does, who appreciates my intelligence and world view (while also being scared of it too), who can make me laugh in the silliest of situations, who has encouraged me to break some of those social fears and barriers that have been built up over the last 4 1/2 years, who has taught me to be a tad more spontaneous rather than rigidly planning everything and most importantly, who comes from the same religious household structure that I had - there wasn't the need to make him understand the hurt and pain caused by that lifestyle, he gets it!

But I say NO. I say NO to accepting a huge speed bump that is tearing the shit out of my undercarriage and throwing my alignment WAY off. I say NO. I say I am MORE important and I am WORTHY of respect.

If you love me, you will do everything in your power to help me. If you love me, you will listen to my words and see they are as honest and open as they can possibly be (come on now, anyone who knows me knows I have a very thin filter and I will say exactly what is on my mind - and I am a skilled public speaker and writer, so I know how to use my words effectively) and NOT translate them to the most negative experience from your background when I am not your past. If you love me, you will overcome your trust issues and recognize all that I have done to work with you on that and to be patient even when that is not my strong suit.

If you love me, you would move heaven and earth to ease my pain. And if you are the cause of that pain and you have the ability to fix it, and you chose not to or you chose to ignore it and tell me to 'get over it', then there's the door and don't let it slap you on the way out.

I am sad. It hurts. But I am still in charge of my own destiny and I love MYSELF enough to know that I have no time for someone that doesn't respect me in that way in return.

But, I have learned SO much! So much about myself, so much about the man I want to be with, so much about what I need to fulfill my big hole lacking love, so much about the love I can give and provide and learned that I actually CAN be patient with folks even if they aren't on the same page with me.

But I have also learned that my go-to response of leaving is not necessarily a bad thing. I have to trust my gut and I have to listen to that voice inside. I did not give up. I did not throw in the towel for no reason or out of fear or out of trying to sink the ship.

I will prevail. There is nothing I can't do. And I know that I am loved and I do love. And that's what matters. This is all you need.