We all face challenges as adults that we did expect when we daydreamed of how much easier life was going to be once we were grown up. I remember sitting in Government class at Reitz High at 7:45 in the morning and pondering how much better it would be to be in an office earning money rather than listening to a bunch of boring political information.
Money was always a big factor. I did not come from a wealthy home. My parents used their hard earned money wisely. They always worked, my Dad often worked several jobs at a time and for a long while that involved a lot of traveling.
My Mom was able to take up the role as a stay at home Mom that earned money by watching kids in our home. That could not have been easy. She was able to manage five to six kids a time, often one baby or sometimes two and one that had a medical condition that required special care. She had some of those kids from birth to kindergarten and they were very well taken care of and loved. They were a part of our daily life. However, she was a genius and was able to specialize in teacher's kids so that she had the same time off as Josh and I did from school. We not only had Mom from the moment we woke to the moment we went to bed, 24/7, 12 mos a year, but we had a Mom that always had time to play with us, set up forts, deal with the old school pools that had to be drained each day so they didn't turn green and you couldn't touch the sides or it would cave, teach us to roller skate, go on bike rides, fix tupperware popsicles and get dinner on the table by 4:30.
With all of that, our homes started small, but they were always very well taken care of and always a home. My Mom kept it running smoothly always having a clean, some say spotless, home, fresh laundry, home cooked meals, all of it that Mom's do. They always did projects on the houses making them nicer than they were and worked to achieve their dream of a home in the country.
Dad worked hard every day and also took on a lot of responsibilities in ministry which requires a lot of time away from the family as well as a lot of time in study. Church takes a lot of time and we were very invested in that environment. That was the umbrella over all other aspects of our life.
When I was nine, I was involved in a freak car accident that left my arm seriously injured. Fortunately for the quick thinking of my parents, they doctors were able to save my arm despite assuring my folks they were going to have to remove it as it was unrepairable. I received a good sum of money in a trust fund to cover the damages and that allowed me to get one of the first Commador computer with a dot matrix printer (perfect for printing huge banners), go to France in high school and beginning my first attempt at college.
At 18, the control of that money was passed to me free and clear and due to my vast immaturity in financial matters and my development of a shopping addicting to mask many other areas of dysfunction, there was nothing left within a very short period of time.
To make matters worse, I got in to debt with credit cards. I paid them off. I acquired student loans that I will be paying off until I'm in the grave. I struggle with each paycheck to keep my head above water for basic necessities.
Through all of it was the lesson that you had to work hard and there was no option but to do the job to the best of your ability. I have held on to that lesson and always attempted to reflect that in my choices.
Now, I desperatley want to move back to Indiana. To do that, I have to save quite a sum of money. I've been attempting to do that for some time, but it is very difficult to have much extra left over to put in to savings. My desire to move and the time frame in which our entire Oregonian-branch plans to move is looming and this has created pressure for me.
I took a part time job in the hopes of having a way to actually save. I had such high hopes and dreams for it. Even dreams that it could be a position that would transfer me back that way for a starting job until I get settled. But it is now clear that my physical limitations are going to prevent that from happening.
As I sat on my couch last night, legs propped up with ice packs and breathing through horrendous charlie horse cramps from the bottom of my feet to my butt and swollen grapefruit knees and stabbing pains in my joints, I had to admit that I can't do it this way. This is not the option that is going to get me where I need to go.
My mental challenges are kept maintained with the help of a specialized prescription cocktail and sessions with an amazing psychiatrist. However, the number one thing that can send me carreening off of the mental cliff like Thelma or Louise is financial stress.
I have come a long way (baby), trust me. But the fear and panic and self accusation that permeates every cell is debilitating. It paralyzes my rationale. It sends my self approval in a tailspin spiral. I can't breathe. I can't see past the gaping canyon.
I have spent the night and day going over every angle and I have decided that I cannot put my main job in jeapordy by getting injured and I love my real job. I cannot put my body in danger from injury. This position was an on-you-feet-the-entire-shift position with a lot of physical activity. It was high hopes to begin with, but I tried.
One lesson I learned from the cliff in 2008 is that I have to allow myself to not be able to do something. It doesn't mean failure. But my voices only scream failure. It's an enormous effort to combat that energy and combat within my spirit.
It's hard though. Hearing what I translate as disappointment or disapproval in someones tone of voice can be an added push, like an little more putting the pedal to the medal for optimum soaring distance. But the moment I allow myself one iota of assurance that all is still well, the flood of relief is overwhelming.
Now, I will continue to look for another job that allows me to not be on my feet. I am highly intelligent, I've done every job known to man, I am fast, I am efficient, I am hard working and I am good at whatever I do. I have goals. I have specific aspirations.
Grace. That's how this whole blog even started. It always comes back to grace.
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