But you have such a pretty face....

Greetings! It's been a long time since I have felt the need to get on my soapbox. Life has gotten so busy as of late and it's hard to find the time to be creative when you have a list of things to accomplish in a short amount of time. But it's all good!

So, last night after I complained that there was nothing on television, Isaac found a new show, 'The Taste.' Contestants create a dish according to the many crazy reality tv cooking show limitations and present it to 4 top chefs in a 'blind' manner, meaning the chefs do not know who cooked what dish, unlike Hell's Kitchen where the contestants bring their dishes up to Ramsay or guest judges to sample. (Is that a super long run on sentence???)

I have not watched this show before so I have no vested interest in the contestants at all - or the judges as I don't give two figs about cooking much less cooking gourmet, weird food. One of the semi-final contestants was named Lauren Scott. She is 24 years old. A beautiful young woman with a gorgeous smile and radiant eyes. She was active in community theater in her hometown of Fresno (she now resides in Laurel, Mississippi) and she is an amateur home cook passionate about being in the kitchen.

Lauren was assigned to Nigella Lawson's team during this competition and she must be pretty good to have made it to the semi-finals (as I said, I've not watched it, but last night she cooked an octopus stew without ever eaten or cooked octopus before - come on, wow!!!).

Last nights challenge was to create a food and beverage pairing that oozed with sexuality/sensuality and it was open to interpretation as so what sort of sexuality they would tap in to. Lauren chose to do an spicy octopus dish and paired it with some Tequila. She said that spicy dishes wake up your senses and she loves to cook spicy stuff for her boyfriend to get him in the mood.

Now I am a very basic, plain Jane, mid-west eater, so there is no way in the world I would even go near that, but this isn't about the food. This is about the chef.

In the interview clips of her shopping, cooking and speaking to the audience she kept saying that she wasn't an expert on sensuality and she may not know sexiness, but she knows food. She said this several times. And it made me sad.

As someone with 13 years on her and someone who IS and has been for a long time, a big girl, I wanted to reach through the tv and give her a big hug. I am not just curvy, I am obese. I will admit it. I am. Who cares why, the fact is that I am.  I have heard the 'But you have such a pretty face...', 'If you'd just lose weight, you could find a man....' and more for years! Well over 20 years and 90% by those that love me the most (family). About 3 years ago I said screw that! I'm tired of that classification and the insinuation that because I am fat, I am not pretty and not worthy of any man.

Isaac asked me why I was sad hearing her self deprecating words. I told him that it makes me sad that so many women are so disgusted by themselves and feel so worthless or unworthy because of their body - not their mind, heart, soul, spirit, but their bodies! It makes me sad that we have been conditioned to believe that we cannot and are not sexy despite our size. It makes me sad that we feel the compulsive need to preface any compliment about our capabilities/abilities with a harmful classification about our very being, as if we don't have as much of a right to be able. It makes me sad when I think of the Grammy's a few weeks ago and how Adele and Brittney Howard were trashed for their size and the Academy Awards where Melissa McCarthy was made fun of - despite the overwhelming and amazing talent of these three BEAUTIFUL women.

If I could say anything to her, I would say this: 'You are beautiful! You radiate light! Your smile can create sunshine!'

And that goes for all of you. For those women who struggle with bulimia, anorexia, binging, addiction to exercise, possible addiction to weight loss substances, self hating, self mutilation, self destruction and who are disgusted with every little bump and curve - STOP IT!!!! YOU are SO much more than your body!!!! Tap in to THAT woman and let her shine!

Do we need to be healthy? Yes, absolutely! Do I need to lose another 100+ lbs? Yes, absolutely! Do I wish that I could wear sexy little dresses and sh*t kicker high heels? Yes, absolutely! Do I wish that I could run with no limitations, even if there is no summer camp chainsaw murderer running after me? Yes, absolutely!

But....

Do I hate myself anymore? No, not at all! Do I feel ashamed to be seen in public? Nope! Am I terrified of getting on a plane because I am scared I won't fit? Actually, not anymore. Do I hide from mirrors and cameras at all cost? Hell no! Do I feel like I don't be deserved to be loved because my ass is fat? Sometimes, but I'm working on that one. Am I terrified of attention from men because I assume it's only going to be negative? Not as much. Finding a man that showed me how beautiful he thinks I am made a huge difference, and I am so thankful, but it's in addition to his encouragement, not solely because of it, that I am evolving.

My lowest point came when I was in Senegal in 2003. I have only told this story to one or two people because it is still highly embarrasing even 10 years later. I weighed well over 320 lbs when I went to Senegal and at that time, I had my short and spiky blonde hair and my pretty blue eyes. Any one of those would have made me stand out in the crowd, but all three combined - it was like a spotlight! "Toubab here! See your big bootied and big boobied, white, American Toubab! Step right up ladies and gents! Sweating in the African Sun! One 5 cfa's...."

During my second week I was allowed one day of rest and relaxation. My professor's parents were kind enough to take me to the beach with them while my professor was off doing her own thing. They did not speak any English and my French was only so-so, but we made it work. I spent most of the day in the water by myself enjoying the beautiful blue water, brilliant sun and the peace and quiet of no one ranting in French around me. Towards the end of the afternoon I decided to just sit on the sand for a bit and dry off before heading to the taxi stands.

Like I said, I stood out a lot. I was used to kids being curious about me and giggling in my presence. I smiled at them and offered a greeting in both French and Wolof and they laughed and giggled some more. Then one of them says, 'Madame, tu es gros!' which translates directly to 'Madame, you are fat!' I was devastated. Utterly and totally humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed, sad - all of it. I had no response! In fact, I cannot tell you what I said in return.

That one sentence from an innocent child cut me to the core. That one sentence would ring inside me head every time I would need to go in public, go to class, walk on campus, try to exercise, you name it. And, clearly, still does.

Since I've lived her in Oregon things have improved. I have been able to shed about 70 lbs and that is amazing - it's a constant battle for me with my polycystic ovarian syndrome - but it's been happening (poverty is a great diet). I have done a lot of work on my mental health over these five years and I've learned a lot about accepting myself in general as a recovering perfectionist, overachiever, people pleaser. It's hard. But it is happening - a little each day, but it's happening.

So if I could share anything with my fellow sisters out there (and fella's, I know you are affected by this too)...Ladies and Gentlemen, LOVE YOURSELF! Actively tell yourself on a daily basis that you are loveable, worthy of love and capable of love - loving yourself, loving others, being loved by others. It all goes hand in hand.

Our beauty has somehow become anchored to the outside image - our culture just perpetuates this cycle over and over. But what I love about living in the here and now, we don't HAVE to accept that. We can say, 'Fuck you advertisers!' and embrace the beauty in each person. And sometimes that means dropping the 'F' bomb on loved ones that just DON'T GET it - they don't get the power behind their well intentioned words. Those words can kill such a gigantic part of your insides - it's not explainable unless you've been on the receiving end of those words.

Again, this isn't just about being fat. This goes for ladies who are ideal sizes in the eyes of the world, like say size 0. They have the same amount of self doubt and self loathing as we do, but they are expected to NOT have those feelings at all and comments such as 'Eat a cheeseburger!' are just as hurtful and harmful as 'Eat a salad!'

If it's too hard to start out by loving ourselves - which let's face it, if we've spent 30 years hating what we see, self love ain't gonna come overnight - then let's start by loving each other. Let's start by telling a co-worker how lovely their earring are and they compliment her eyes perfectly. Or by simply saying, 'You know, you are beautiful! Inside and out!' And let's say it until we believe it!

And more importantly, let's fix this for the next generation. I do not want my nieces to struggle to the extent that I have struggled or that my cousins and friends have struggled. I don't want for them to grow in to women that have to learn how to love and appreciate themselves - I want that to be a no brainer for them! I want them to know they are so worthy and so appreciated for WHO they are, not what they are.

Ultimately, it comes down to me and you. It comes down to what we allow in and out of our mouth, our ears, our eyes and our brains. We are sponges - we soak up everything around us. Surround yourself with beauty, light and encouragement. Lie to yourself if you have to. If you cannot convince yoruself that you are beautiful, then lie to yourself until one day you realize it's true!

So Lauren Scott, you are beautiful!!!!! You are smart!!!!! You are talented!!!!! And you are sexy!!!!! Embrace it! Own it! Love it! Share it! Radiate it!