But you have such a pretty face....

Greetings! It's been a long time since I have felt the need to get on my soapbox. Life has gotten so busy as of late and it's hard to find the time to be creative when you have a list of things to accomplish in a short amount of time. But it's all good!

So, last night after I complained that there was nothing on television, Isaac found a new show, 'The Taste.' Contestants create a dish according to the many crazy reality tv cooking show limitations and present it to 4 top chefs in a 'blind' manner, meaning the chefs do not know who cooked what dish, unlike Hell's Kitchen where the contestants bring their dishes up to Ramsay or guest judges to sample. (Is that a super long run on sentence???)

I have not watched this show before so I have no vested interest in the contestants at all - or the judges as I don't give two figs about cooking much less cooking gourmet, weird food. One of the semi-final contestants was named Lauren Scott. She is 24 years old. A beautiful young woman with a gorgeous smile and radiant eyes. She was active in community theater in her hometown of Fresno (she now resides in Laurel, Mississippi) and she is an amateur home cook passionate about being in the kitchen.

Lauren was assigned to Nigella Lawson's team during this competition and she must be pretty good to have made it to the semi-finals (as I said, I've not watched it, but last night she cooked an octopus stew without ever eaten or cooked octopus before - come on, wow!!!).

Last nights challenge was to create a food and beverage pairing that oozed with sexuality/sensuality and it was open to interpretation as so what sort of sexuality they would tap in to. Lauren chose to do an spicy octopus dish and paired it with some Tequila. She said that spicy dishes wake up your senses and she loves to cook spicy stuff for her boyfriend to get him in the mood.

Now I am a very basic, plain Jane, mid-west eater, so there is no way in the world I would even go near that, but this isn't about the food. This is about the chef.

In the interview clips of her shopping, cooking and speaking to the audience she kept saying that she wasn't an expert on sensuality and she may not know sexiness, but she knows food. She said this several times. And it made me sad.

As someone with 13 years on her and someone who IS and has been for a long time, a big girl, I wanted to reach through the tv and give her a big hug. I am not just curvy, I am obese. I will admit it. I am. Who cares why, the fact is that I am.  I have heard the 'But you have such a pretty face...', 'If you'd just lose weight, you could find a man....' and more for years! Well over 20 years and 90% by those that love me the most (family). About 3 years ago I said screw that! I'm tired of that classification and the insinuation that because I am fat, I am not pretty and not worthy of any man.

Isaac asked me why I was sad hearing her self deprecating words. I told him that it makes me sad that so many women are so disgusted by themselves and feel so worthless or unworthy because of their body - not their mind, heart, soul, spirit, but their bodies! It makes me sad that we have been conditioned to believe that we cannot and are not sexy despite our size. It makes me sad that we feel the compulsive need to preface any compliment about our capabilities/abilities with a harmful classification about our very being, as if we don't have as much of a right to be able. It makes me sad when I think of the Grammy's a few weeks ago and how Adele and Brittney Howard were trashed for their size and the Academy Awards where Melissa McCarthy was made fun of - despite the overwhelming and amazing talent of these three BEAUTIFUL women.

If I could say anything to her, I would say this: 'You are beautiful! You radiate light! Your smile can create sunshine!'

And that goes for all of you. For those women who struggle with bulimia, anorexia, binging, addiction to exercise, possible addiction to weight loss substances, self hating, self mutilation, self destruction and who are disgusted with every little bump and curve - STOP IT!!!! YOU are SO much more than your body!!!! Tap in to THAT woman and let her shine!

Do we need to be healthy? Yes, absolutely! Do I need to lose another 100+ lbs? Yes, absolutely! Do I wish that I could wear sexy little dresses and sh*t kicker high heels? Yes, absolutely! Do I wish that I could run with no limitations, even if there is no summer camp chainsaw murderer running after me? Yes, absolutely!

But....

Do I hate myself anymore? No, not at all! Do I feel ashamed to be seen in public? Nope! Am I terrified of getting on a plane because I am scared I won't fit? Actually, not anymore. Do I hide from mirrors and cameras at all cost? Hell no! Do I feel like I don't be deserved to be loved because my ass is fat? Sometimes, but I'm working on that one. Am I terrified of attention from men because I assume it's only going to be negative? Not as much. Finding a man that showed me how beautiful he thinks I am made a huge difference, and I am so thankful, but it's in addition to his encouragement, not solely because of it, that I am evolving.

My lowest point came when I was in Senegal in 2003. I have only told this story to one or two people because it is still highly embarrasing even 10 years later. I weighed well over 320 lbs when I went to Senegal and at that time, I had my short and spiky blonde hair and my pretty blue eyes. Any one of those would have made me stand out in the crowd, but all three combined - it was like a spotlight! "Toubab here! See your big bootied and big boobied, white, American Toubab! Step right up ladies and gents! Sweating in the African Sun! One 5 cfa's...."

During my second week I was allowed one day of rest and relaxation. My professor's parents were kind enough to take me to the beach with them while my professor was off doing her own thing. They did not speak any English and my French was only so-so, but we made it work. I spent most of the day in the water by myself enjoying the beautiful blue water, brilliant sun and the peace and quiet of no one ranting in French around me. Towards the end of the afternoon I decided to just sit on the sand for a bit and dry off before heading to the taxi stands.

Like I said, I stood out a lot. I was used to kids being curious about me and giggling in my presence. I smiled at them and offered a greeting in both French and Wolof and they laughed and giggled some more. Then one of them says, 'Madame, tu es gros!' which translates directly to 'Madame, you are fat!' I was devastated. Utterly and totally humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed, sad - all of it. I had no response! In fact, I cannot tell you what I said in return.

That one sentence from an innocent child cut me to the core. That one sentence would ring inside me head every time I would need to go in public, go to class, walk on campus, try to exercise, you name it. And, clearly, still does.

Since I've lived her in Oregon things have improved. I have been able to shed about 70 lbs and that is amazing - it's a constant battle for me with my polycystic ovarian syndrome - but it's been happening (poverty is a great diet). I have done a lot of work on my mental health over these five years and I've learned a lot about accepting myself in general as a recovering perfectionist, overachiever, people pleaser. It's hard. But it is happening - a little each day, but it's happening.

So if I could share anything with my fellow sisters out there (and fella's, I know you are affected by this too)...Ladies and Gentlemen, LOVE YOURSELF! Actively tell yourself on a daily basis that you are loveable, worthy of love and capable of love - loving yourself, loving others, being loved by others. It all goes hand in hand.

Our beauty has somehow become anchored to the outside image - our culture just perpetuates this cycle over and over. But what I love about living in the here and now, we don't HAVE to accept that. We can say, 'Fuck you advertisers!' and embrace the beauty in each person. And sometimes that means dropping the 'F' bomb on loved ones that just DON'T GET it - they don't get the power behind their well intentioned words. Those words can kill such a gigantic part of your insides - it's not explainable unless you've been on the receiving end of those words.

Again, this isn't just about being fat. This goes for ladies who are ideal sizes in the eyes of the world, like say size 0. They have the same amount of self doubt and self loathing as we do, but they are expected to NOT have those feelings at all and comments such as 'Eat a cheeseburger!' are just as hurtful and harmful as 'Eat a salad!'

If it's too hard to start out by loving ourselves - which let's face it, if we've spent 30 years hating what we see, self love ain't gonna come overnight - then let's start by loving each other. Let's start by telling a co-worker how lovely their earring are and they compliment her eyes perfectly. Or by simply saying, 'You know, you are beautiful! Inside and out!' And let's say it until we believe it!

And more importantly, let's fix this for the next generation. I do not want my nieces to struggle to the extent that I have struggled or that my cousins and friends have struggled. I don't want for them to grow in to women that have to learn how to love and appreciate themselves - I want that to be a no brainer for them! I want them to know they are so worthy and so appreciated for WHO they are, not what they are.

Ultimately, it comes down to me and you. It comes down to what we allow in and out of our mouth, our ears, our eyes and our brains. We are sponges - we soak up everything around us. Surround yourself with beauty, light and encouragement. Lie to yourself if you have to. If you cannot convince yoruself that you are beautiful, then lie to yourself until one day you realize it's true!

So Lauren Scott, you are beautiful!!!!! You are smart!!!!! You are talented!!!!! And you are sexy!!!!! Embrace it! Own it! Love it! Share it! Radiate it!

The mental cliff....Hello, I'm Thelma. Want a lift?

   We all face challenges as adults that we did expect when we daydreamed of how much easier life was going to be once we were grown up. I remember sitting in Government class at Reitz High at 7:45 in the morning and pondering how much better it would be to be in an office earning money rather than listening to a bunch of boring political information.

   Money was always a big factor. I did not come from a wealthy home. My parents used their hard earned money wisely. They always worked, my Dad often worked several jobs at a time and for a long while that involved a lot of traveling.

   My Mom was able to take up the role as a stay at home Mom that earned money by watching kids in our home. That could not have been easy. She was able to manage five to six kids a time, often one baby or sometimes two and one that had a medical condition that required special care. She had some of those kids from birth to kindergarten and they were very well taken care of and loved. They were a part of our daily life. However, she was a genius and was able to specialize in teacher's kids so that she had the same time off as Josh and I did from school. We not only had Mom from the moment we woke to the moment we went to bed, 24/7, 12 mos a year, but we had a Mom that always had time to play with us, set up forts, deal with the old school pools that had to be drained each day so they didn't turn green and you couldn't touch the sides or it would cave, teach us to roller skate, go on bike rides, fix tupperware popsicles and get dinner on the table by 4:30.

   With all of that, our homes started small, but they were always very well taken care of and always a home. My Mom kept it running smoothly always having a clean, some say spotless, home, fresh laundry, home cooked meals, all of it that Mom's do. They always did projects on the houses making them nicer than they were and worked to achieve their dream of a home in the country.

   Dad worked hard every day and also took on a lot of responsibilities in ministry which requires a lot of time away from the family as well as a lot of time in study. Church takes a lot of time and we were very invested in that environment. That was the umbrella over all other aspects of our life.

   When I was nine, I was involved in a freak car accident that left my arm seriously injured. Fortunately for the quick thinking of my parents, they doctors were able to save my arm despite assuring my folks they were going to have to remove it as it was unrepairable. I received a good sum of money in a trust fund to cover the damages and that allowed me to get one of the first Commador computer with a dot matrix printer (perfect for printing huge banners), go to France in high school and beginning my first attempt at college.

   At 18, the control of that money was passed to me free and clear and due to my vast immaturity in financial matters and my development of a shopping addicting to mask many other areas of dysfunction, there was nothing left within a very short period of time.

   To make matters worse, I got in to debt with credit cards. I paid them off. I acquired student loans that I will be paying off until I'm in the grave. I struggle with each paycheck to keep my head above water for basic necessities.

  Through all of it was the lesson that you had to work hard and there was no option but to do the job to the best of your ability. I have held on to that lesson and always attempted to reflect that in my choices.

  Now, I desperatley want to move back to Indiana. To do that, I have to save quite a sum of money. I've been attempting to do that for some time, but it is very difficult to have much extra left over to put in to savings. My desire to move and the time frame in which our entire Oregonian-branch plans to move is looming and this has created pressure for me.

   I took a part time job in the hopes of having a way to actually save. I had such high hopes and dreams for it. Even dreams that it could be a position that would transfer me back that way for a starting job until I get settled. But it is now clear that my physical limitations are going to prevent that from happening.

   As I sat on my couch last night, legs propped up with ice packs and breathing through horrendous charlie horse cramps from the bottom of my feet to my butt and swollen grapefruit knees and stabbing pains in my joints, I had to admit that I can't do it this way. This is not the option that is going to get me where I need to go.

   My mental challenges are kept maintained with the help of a specialized prescription cocktail and sessions with an amazing psychiatrist. However, the number one thing that can send me carreening off of the mental cliff like Thelma or Louise is financial stress.

  I have come a long way (baby), trust me. But the fear and panic and self accusation that permeates every cell is debilitating. It paralyzes my rationale. It sends my self approval in a tailspin spiral. I can't breathe. I can't see past the gaping canyon.

   I have spent the night and day going over every angle and I have decided that I cannot put my main job in jeapordy by getting injured and I love my real job. I cannot put my body in danger from injury. This position was an on-you-feet-the-entire-shift position with a lot of physical activity. It was high hopes to begin with, but I tried.

   One lesson I learned from the cliff in 2008 is that I have to allow myself to not be able to do something. It doesn't mean failure. But my voices only scream failure. It's an enormous effort to combat that energy and combat within my spirit.

   It's hard though. Hearing what I translate as disappointment or disapproval in someones tone of voice can be an added push, like an little more putting the pedal to the medal for optimum soaring distance.  But the moment I allow myself one iota of assurance that all is still well, the flood of relief is overwhelming.

   Now, I will continue to look for another job that allows me to not be on my feet. I am highly intelligent, I've done every job known to man, I am fast, I am efficient, I am hard working and I am good at whatever I do. I have goals. I have specific aspirations.

   Grace. That's how this whole blog even started. It always comes back to grace.

Have I changed that much????

It's gotten to that point that I am so utterly confounded and confused by certain things right now. I am utterly flabbergasted by so much that is being said and believed. I, in no way, believe I have all the answers or that my beliefs are the right beliefs for everyone. Have I changed THAT much since leaving Indiana?

Really? Cause I know that I have changed in so many absolutely positive and healthy ways and I feel that my life experiences have really given me a great foundation to go from but I have I changed in such a way that my foundational beliefs are not at all the same as those that were entrenched in my very being? Is it just me? Am I the one that is being closed off? Cause I don't think so.

I think those that know me have known for a long time that I am all about discussion and hearing other points and even, surprise surprise, changing my mind and opinion when I have taken the mature step to investigate on my own. It saddens me. Really hurts my heart. Cause I feel as if the differing beliefs and my strong personality of saying anything and everything is causing chinks in the armor. It's unfortunate.

I hope once the election is over, things can go back to normal. I have never experienced an election with this much at stake and this much difference between the candidates. I can't see any other option BUT Obama. So what does that say about me? Does it change your view of me? Do you think I am less intelligent or aware? Do you think I am cheering for the downfall of this great nation? Do you think I am completely naive to actual research stuff and read all kinds of sources and listen to all kinds of views? Cause I do admit, that's kinda how I see the other camp.

My first sense of detachment from my old life due to my disbelief in the Church and in the lifestyle of Christianity. And now I see those same gaps opening wider with this election. The election is not about religion - it shouldn't be about religion - but the mindset of the American church is absolutely pervasive within all of these discussions and I just do not agree that a segment of the population who believes in 'Christianity' should be the ways to make policy and laws that affect EVERYONE - not just Christians.

We are a country made up of so many amazing treasures and blessings from every religion - there is good and bad in all, but God is GOOD ALL THE TIME. He's got this! We don't have to fight over this crap! He's got it all under control. Chill out and talk about what matters when it comes to economics, healthcare, assistance, education, environment, military, war and what we are providing to the next generation.Leave God out of it!

I can't stand by and say that is ok. It is nto ok with me at all. Stick to the issues and stay out of everyone else's religion beliefs and lifestyles. Mind your own business! Deal with the issues within your own home and family. Teach your children the lessons and religious/spiritual teaching and share it with everyone in your life. Feel free!

Be a light out there in the world and a fisher of men. But take a look at how your Jesus ministered to the needy.

Look at how your Jesus flipped over tables in the temple when greedy business men took control of the house of worship to focus on money and profit and income.

Look at how your Jesus had a passion for protecting those in need - lepers, prostitutes, children, lame and even those jerks that killed him.

But keep your church and your Christianity out of my American citizen rights. Just because you don't agree/believe in gay marriage, DON'T get gay married. If you don't agree/believe in abortion, well tough cookies! It's one of the ugliest aspects of human life but it ain't going away. It is a reality and it is something that goes way beyond whether it's moral or ethical. And until YOU have had to make that agonizing decision, think before you speak. Was your pregnancy voluntary or maybe unexpected, but a happy thing? Was your child conceived in love, or in the dark dirty alley by a stranger or a drunk frat boy or even your family?

This may seem stupid - and yes, I've had TWO people call me stupid in two days - but this is what I believe. No one else has to. But when I am asked why I support Obama or why I am so fearful of Romney being in power, I am happy, willing, able, capable of answering and discussing.

And I have NEVER gone on anyone's Facebook page and called them out on their beliefs or harassed them or called them names. And what's interesting, it's been 'Christians' that have called me stupid for my beliefs.

Job well done!!!!! That is why more and more folks are resistance to having anything to do with Church and much less Christians. I have said for a long time, and this was echoed by someone else earlier today who comes from the same place I do, if I meet someone new and they tell me they are a Christian, they will have to prove themselves to me and I am way more resistant to allowing you in my life. If a mechanic or a landscaper tries to sell himself by saying he has a Christian business, I 100% will not use them.

While individuals may not intend this and feel it is unjustified judgement of 'all' Christians, it is a reality. And this election process is spotlighting the worst parts of what has always been intended to be a religion based on love, forgiveness, grace, kindness, patience, self control, slow to anger, quick to help, etc..

And don't call me stupid.

Book quotes - "The Peach Keeper" by Sarah Addison Allen

** Sarah Addison Allen is one of my all time favorite authors. I love every single book!!!! I cannot help but read them multiple times - and fall in love with them all over again. I HIGHLY recommend these books. **

"...Because we are connected as women. It's like a spiderweb. If one part of the web vibrates, if there's trouble, we all know it. But most of the time we're just too scare of selfish or insecure to help. But if we don't help each other, who will?" (audiobook track 4-09)

This is so very true! I don't know if there is anything better in life (other than a happy marriage and happy, healthy kids...but as a single gal, I have the benefit of different priorities) than an amazing female friendship?

I say female because I have been lucky enough to have some AMAZING male friends over the years. Male friends that were always and only male friends. That in and of itself is a huge blessing. But it is categorically different than female friendships. There are times when that is the best element in the world and there are other times when you absolutely need someone else with a high level of estrogen to listen, help, cry, understand, eat ice cream with, etc..

Friends come in all shapes and size; all ages from kiddos to wise octogenarians; various educational and socio-economic backgrounds; differing religions and possibly thousands of miles apart. But the true friendships that last over time can withstand the trials and tribulations of life.

Take a moment to think of some amazing, long-lasting girlfriends and send off a happy email, Facebook post, or even better, an actual snail mail card to brighten her day. Tell her how much you love her and how you appreciate every second of her friendship.

Book quotes: 'The Year of Pleasures' by Elizabeth Berg

Jacket cover: "...a resilient woman embarks upon an unforgettable journey of adventure, self-discovery, and renewal....it's about acknowledging the solace found in ordinary things: a warm bath, good food, the beauty of nature, music, friends, and art."

"I had an odd but familiar feeling inside, a kind of surety without grounding. It was something I often felt as a child, and if I should say, Yes, here, this is the place, just like that, and then go in search of somewhere to live. Why not? What I to lose, really?....I remember a story I once heard about a couple from a farm in Iowa looking for a place to live in Washington, D.C. They weren't having any success; everything was incredibly expensive, and to make matters worse, they had three dogs. They became greatly discouraged, and the one day the woman threw up her hands and said, "All right. Let's just drive ten minutes one way and then turn left. And then drive ten minutes more and turn right. And then ten minute straight, and if we don't find something, we'll give up." What they drove to was a huge farmhouse just outside the city, and a man was standing outside of it. Feeling more than a little foolish, the couple asked if the man happened to know of anything around for rent. Turned out he had a little house on his property he used for hired hands that was newly evacuated. Freshly painted. They have it for next to nothing if they'd help a bit with chores. And three dogs? No problem!...."Sometimes serendipity is just intention, unmasked." - pages 8 - 9

"There is a story about a Navajo grandfather who once told his grandson, 'Two wolves live inside me. One is the bad wolf, full of greed and lzaziness, full of anger and jealousy and regret. The other is the good wolf, full of joy and compassion and willingness and a great love for the world. All the time, these wolves are fighting inside me.' 'But grandfather,' the boy said. 'Which wolf will win?' The grandfather answered, 'The one I fee.'" - page 165

"My mother always used to take a long bath on Christmas Eve, and I would always lie in the hall outside the bathroom in anguished anticipation, wondering how she could possibly take so long when there were presents waiting to be opened. But I saw now that she was savoring the moment before, and that was what I was doing now, too. My mother must have imagined my father and me opening our cuff links and doll clothes; I was thinking of the people who might find pleasure in what my store offered - not only in the things but in the ideas they might inspire." - page 204

Words of love.....

"Words of love, so soft and tender don't win a girls heart anymore....If you love her then you must send her, somewhere where she's never been before..." - Mama Cass

I have never been that girl that had boyfriends. I spent the majority of my life as a single woman. Thankfully I have always found comfort in that and not heartache. Over the past few years I have had more experience learning about relationships and how to deal with the male species.

A lot of that experience would curl your toes and make you see a side of me you never expected. While most wouldn't understand, that time was a time of empowerment and discovery for me. I learned a lot about myself: how I react to situations when it involves a partner, areas of my life and my personality that I need to reshape and mold to create a healthier dialogue and safe space, the desires that I want from a partner, the faults that I see in myself that others see as amazing strengths, etc..

I reached out to break every single one of my comfort zones when I met this man. He was 100% different than what I was used to in every way, shape and form. It took courage to step out of that circle and embrace something new and fresh and to have the perspective that I would do anything to make that relationship happy, healthy and long lasting.

I have hit a wall where my communication skills, while vast, are not being received or translated in the manner that they should. The red flag that popped up on day 3 is the same red flag that is popping up on day 100 something. I refuse to be THAT girl who ignores all the advice, counsel, guidance, encouragement that I give other people and remain in a place of mire and muck.

For a tiny second I had that nagging fear that I will never, ever find another man who matches me on 97% of my being, who finds me as beautiful and sexy as he does, who appreciates my intelligence and world view (while also being scared of it too), who can make me laugh in the silliest of situations, who has encouraged me to break some of those social fears and barriers that have been built up over the last 4 1/2 years, who has taught me to be a tad more spontaneous rather than rigidly planning everything and most importantly, who comes from the same religious household structure that I had - there wasn't the need to make him understand the hurt and pain caused by that lifestyle, he gets it!

But I say NO. I say NO to accepting a huge speed bump that is tearing the shit out of my undercarriage and throwing my alignment WAY off. I say NO. I say I am MORE important and I am WORTHY of respect.

If you love me, you will do everything in your power to help me. If you love me, you will listen to my words and see they are as honest and open as they can possibly be (come on now, anyone who knows me knows I have a very thin filter and I will say exactly what is on my mind - and I am a skilled public speaker and writer, so I know how to use my words effectively) and NOT translate them to the most negative experience from your background when I am not your past. If you love me, you will overcome your trust issues and recognize all that I have done to work with you on that and to be patient even when that is not my strong suit.

If you love me, you would move heaven and earth to ease my pain. And if you are the cause of that pain and you have the ability to fix it, and you chose not to or you chose to ignore it and tell me to 'get over it', then there's the door and don't let it slap you on the way out.

I am sad. It hurts. But I am still in charge of my own destiny and I love MYSELF enough to know that I have no time for someone that doesn't respect me in that way in return.

But, I have learned SO much! So much about myself, so much about the man I want to be with, so much about what I need to fulfill my big hole lacking love, so much about the love I can give and provide and learned that I actually CAN be patient with folks even if they aren't on the same page with me.

But I have also learned that my go-to response of leaving is not necessarily a bad thing. I have to trust my gut and I have to listen to that voice inside. I did not give up. I did not throw in the towel for no reason or out of fear or out of trying to sink the ship.

I will prevail. There is nothing I can't do. And I know that I am loved and I do love. And that's what matters. This is all you need.

Book quotes...."What We Keep" by Elizabeth Berg

"People always told me I was perceptive....But I didn't want to learn any more about human nature than I knew already....it occurs to me that I did not pursue any profession having to do with psychology because if I understood more about how people work, how they are, I might understand my mother. If I understood her, I might have to forgive her. And at some critical time, I became very much invested in not forgiving her - we all did.

It became an underpinning in our reduced family, a need, even; just as there seems to be a terrible need for family feuds to continue. In a way, it is as if your refusal to forgive is too much a part of you for you to lost it. Who would you be without it? Not yourself. Lost, somehow. Think of how people tend to pick the same chair to sit in over and over again. We are always trying to make sure we know where we are. Though we may long for adventure, we also cherish the familiar. We just do." (page 56 - 57)
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"When my mother returned home from trying on Jasmine's hat, she was flushed and happy. Through the open kitchen window I heard her humming with the radio. "Catch a Falling Star" was playing. I like that song, too, liked the notion of having a pocketful of starlight. I hoped for such a thing, in fact. I believed at the time that starts were five-pointed objects you could hold in your hand, a sort of fancier version of tinfoil variety. I was ignorant to the heat and size and the most astounding fact of all, that some stars I saw were not really there at all." (page 81)
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"I was downstairs, reading."
" Now?" I strained to see her face. She was smiling, it appeared.
"Yes, now," she said. "It's nice, sometimes, to read in the middle of the night. The sky is so dark and soft-looking outside the window, all the stars out. You have just on light on, you know, and it seems to pour onto the page. Makes the book seem better. You are this little island, just up alone with a book. And you heard the night sounds of the house...It's so interesting to me, that sound. Time. The measure of it." (page 103 - 104)
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