"It seems her life there is beginning to change in ways she is only now starting to understand. Shouldn't she see it through?....She has to learn patience and trust at some point....
Is it true one can become so fixed in one's ways that it really is impossible to change?
Or are there preordained stages in life?
Altered somewhat by each person's eccentricities, of course, but preordained stages
through which people must pass.
Meaning one must be changing all the time whether one wants to or not."
- Home Safe by Elizabeth Berg
I adore reading! I have been an avid reader since I was very, very young. Most of the time I read non-fiction, often forensic stories, and other times interesting bios or historical novels. Sometimes I share snipets of my favorite passages because I find that they often lead my mind down an unplanned path and it just might speak to someone else as well.
This passage speaks about change and I am a big fan of personal improvement and new self knowledge. I adore thinking of the possibilities of change that are possible to improve one's self for the the greater good of their own happiness and the greater good for the world around them.
However, I acknowledge, and readily admit that I don't often like change when it comes to my schedule or the way I 'do things,' but I've begun to learn that there are rare moments when someone else's way of doing things are better than mine. One area I am struggling with lately is how I react when there is a change in plans.
Honestly, you would think that my world is being destroyed in one swoop with the way my body and mind react when there is even the slightest change of plans. I feel rage shoot from the tips of my toes to the very top of my head. I can go from looking forward to spending time in a fun activity with loved ones to being so upset that it ruins any chance of me enjoying myself and quite possibly ruining it for others.
My body language and countenance speak volumes of my distress and anger and that is translated into rudeness, selfishness, and straight up bitchy attitude.
I acknowledged this behavior fir the first time shortly after my experiences four years ago and I have been making steps to fix it; however, as with everything, there is a LONG way to go. For so long I would use the excuse of, 'This is who I am, I can't change it.' But as of this past year, I have begun to see that yes, I am who I am, but I can change and change can bring so much more peace, joy and happiness within myself and for those around me.
My sister-in-law, Heather, has been such a blessing and a treasure since the very day Josh and I met here in May 2008. She has taught me so much about going with the flow and finding fun and laughter in every situation regardless of the overall circumstance. She always makes the choice to see the positive. She always makes the choice to do her best no matter how she feels or whether that's what she wants to do or not. She always makes the choice to encourage others and point out the positive about them. She always makes the choice to always, always, always be there for her family and her friends. She always makes the choice to laugh when she forgets her keys, or the diaper bag, or her phone. She always makes the choice to not let a 5 minute or a 45 minute delay ruin the fun and enjoyment to be had in all situations.
My new, and really my first, healthy and mature relationship is shedding light on this area, and others, in which I desperately need improvement. For so long I felt it absolutely vital to pour out all of my damaged parts and areas of contention to a guy within 15 minutes of meeting because I had absolutely no desire to waste time on a man that can't deal with who I am, or who I thought I was at that time.
But with Isaac, it's been totally different. I think a large part of why that didn't feel necessary with him is because our backgrounds, as far as our childhood being raised in rather strict Christian households, are so absolutely similar hat I feel he gets me without extra explanations as to why Church and Christianity are such a huge part of my foundation and who I am as a person. What a relief!!!!
Nonetheless, there is still that scared little girl that is terrified he will see something he doesn't like and that will make him leave me - once he sees the perfect veneer break away and crack, will he still want to be with me and love me.
I had a slight manic episode on Friday night and I thought for sure this would be the thing to prove to him how fucked up I actually am and how damaged I am. I tried to hide the panic and sadness that I had been feeling for a few days but he saw through it and patiently asked me what was wrong throughout those few days. At some point, the sadness just overwhelmed me and I lost it. I was crying uncontrollably and for absolutely no concrete reason. I was terrified to let him see me in that state.
And you know what he did? He pulled me in to his arms on the couch and just held me and told me he loved me and kissed the top of my head until I could breathe and stop crying. He listened, he didn't speak, he just listened. He assured me that nothing like this would end his love for me and in fact, this expression of humanness and imperfection made him love me more because it's evidence that I am not perfect (even though I tell him this all the time, he still sees me as being on such a high pedestal).
I hope that I continue to see change as a challenge that should be readily accepted and used to the most of it's ability. I do think that we believe we are so fixed on one's ways that it is impossible to change, but I think that is just a lie we tell ourselves to provide an easy out. Change is never easy when it comes to tackling serious, engrained, learned responses and behaviors - but it is absolutely possible!
I am thankful to be changing all the time because I honestly believe each change I have made has made me a better person - more enjoyable to be around - easier to love - and easier to feel love from me.
No comments:
Post a Comment