What is your love language?

Gary Chapman's concept of "Five Love Languages," helps people speak and understand emotional love when it is expressed through one of five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Chapman argues that while each of these languages is enjoyed to some degree by all people, a person will usually speak one primary language, but all are important. - Gary Chapman (2010). 

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Press. ISBN 978-0-8024-7315-8

I re-read Mr. Chapman's book last summer after I began thinking about what it would take for me to finally accept and receive love from someone not in my family or a close friend. I now believe that fate (or God) did that in order to allow me time to process what I learned prior to finding someone to LOVE on. 

We all have one love language or a mixture of any or all five languages. For me, I am 75% quality time, 8% receiving gifts, 7% acts of service and 10% words of affirmation. My main love language is time and I have examined this in depth. 

I honestly believe this comes from the wonderful memories I have of when my parents/grandparents spent time investing in me as a child and enjoying my presence. So many hours of my early years were spent in church or church activities and while I always knew folks loved me and enjoyed me as a child, I never felt much undivided attention. I was so very lucky to have my Mom who spent generous time with me and really helped craft who I am as a woman. I was also blessed to have my Aunt Jane who would let me tag along with her on her errands, or let me watch her get ready for dates studying her as she put on her makeup, or our movies dates (Pet Cemetary anyone?). In all that time, we would talk and talk and talk. I never doubted, and will never have to, doubt the love from my Mom and my Aunt.

Who doesn't love gifts? But when I say gifts, I mean someone finding a frog sticker and saving it for me cause they knew I'd find it funny. Receiving a '4 yr old' birthday figurine that one of those adults who adored me as a child found at a yard sale. She used to buy me those every year on my birthday and it made her think of me enough that she made the effort to get it to me all the way here in Oregon. Or my Grandma buying me an awesome frog bookmark that is holographic and changes colors and shapes knowing my love of reading (thanks to her no doubt). Anything that indicates someone thought of ME specifically and knew that I would appreciate and enjoy whatever it is.

Acts of service comes from the fact that it is one of the main ways I express love to others. However, me receiving acts of service is hard for me. It's difficult for me to ask for help because I tend to feel so vulnerable. But when I come home from a long day at work to find that Isaac has done the entire sink load of dishes from the night before, I just about do cartwheels. He knows that I am a clean freak and he guessed that would make me happy, and he was right.

Words of affirmation is a STRONG language. One of the most important in my opinion. Sometimes I wonder if time and affirmation should share more of the % in my world, but my strong personality enables me to shield myself and believe in my own self affirmation (sometimes to by destruction). 

I became a highly functional perfectionist with big time control issues. I was expected to always say the right thing, do the right thing, be the right thing, so there wasn't a lot of words of guidance issued because it was an assumed reality; however, when we did do good in school and such, our parents made sure we knew they were proud of us. Nonetheless, the little communication I had with my father and our highly dysfunctional relationship created a hole in my psyche when it comes to words of criticism. For years I felt the only verbal communication he and I had were of discipline and strict religious instruction - no words about my favorite band, no saying that he liked my fingernails, or whatever. No words of love even. And that's been a hard one to try and overcome.

As an adult, I have had some major issues in this area. Most the time I was completely clueless that they were issues, it wasn't until recently that I realized what a bitch I was being!!!!! I have been working on these issues for some time and thankfully I have made some progress - there is ALWAYS hope.

Chapman stresses that it's not just about recognizing your language or even receiving love through your language (s) but also how we give love back through someone else's love language.

My new relationship has given me a chance to put this in to practice. I knew Isaac's primary love language within a few days of our dating. Thankfully we share it on some degree - I can't imagine trying to communicate with someone through a language that does not play a role in your emotional health. 

I have found that when I communicate to him through his love language, he feels so much more confident and secure in our relationship. We both have a lot of insecurities from our past and from our adult lives - we had similar childhoods but after 18 our lives went in totally different directions. However, he is able to communicate his needs and fears and possible misunderstandings in a calmer, more rational and healthy way.

I have found that writing him little notes in the morning before I go to work meets one of his needs in such an amazing way. It lets him know that I woke up thinking of him and that I will be missing him till I see him again. He has written assurance that I love him even more today than I did yesterday. It allows him to approach his day with comfort and I am happy to be able to give him that little boost every morning. And guess what? When I get home, he has a little note to me in return letting me know he missed me through the day and he'll be thinking of me while he's at work. And it makes my evening!

I would encourage you to check out the 5 love language principles. They are from a Christian/religious perspective, but they are valid for anyone, anywhere, regardless of your religion or non-religion. Read around it. Get to the meat and potatoes of it and I promise you will not be disappointed. I would LOVE to hear your feedback and learn how you are implementing love languages in your life and in your relationships.