The mental cliff....Hello, I'm Thelma. Want a lift?

   We all face challenges as adults that we did expect when we daydreamed of how much easier life was going to be once we were grown up. I remember sitting in Government class at Reitz High at 7:45 in the morning and pondering how much better it would be to be in an office earning money rather than listening to a bunch of boring political information.

   Money was always a big factor. I did not come from a wealthy home. My parents used their hard earned money wisely. They always worked, my Dad often worked several jobs at a time and for a long while that involved a lot of traveling.

   My Mom was able to take up the role as a stay at home Mom that earned money by watching kids in our home. That could not have been easy. She was able to manage five to six kids a time, often one baby or sometimes two and one that had a medical condition that required special care. She had some of those kids from birth to kindergarten and they were very well taken care of and loved. They were a part of our daily life. However, she was a genius and was able to specialize in teacher's kids so that she had the same time off as Josh and I did from school. We not only had Mom from the moment we woke to the moment we went to bed, 24/7, 12 mos a year, but we had a Mom that always had time to play with us, set up forts, deal with the old school pools that had to be drained each day so they didn't turn green and you couldn't touch the sides or it would cave, teach us to roller skate, go on bike rides, fix tupperware popsicles and get dinner on the table by 4:30.

   With all of that, our homes started small, but they were always very well taken care of and always a home. My Mom kept it running smoothly always having a clean, some say spotless, home, fresh laundry, home cooked meals, all of it that Mom's do. They always did projects on the houses making them nicer than they were and worked to achieve their dream of a home in the country.

   Dad worked hard every day and also took on a lot of responsibilities in ministry which requires a lot of time away from the family as well as a lot of time in study. Church takes a lot of time and we were very invested in that environment. That was the umbrella over all other aspects of our life.

   When I was nine, I was involved in a freak car accident that left my arm seriously injured. Fortunately for the quick thinking of my parents, they doctors were able to save my arm despite assuring my folks they were going to have to remove it as it was unrepairable. I received a good sum of money in a trust fund to cover the damages and that allowed me to get one of the first Commador computer with a dot matrix printer (perfect for printing huge banners), go to France in high school and beginning my first attempt at college.

   At 18, the control of that money was passed to me free and clear and due to my vast immaturity in financial matters and my development of a shopping addicting to mask many other areas of dysfunction, there was nothing left within a very short period of time.

   To make matters worse, I got in to debt with credit cards. I paid them off. I acquired student loans that I will be paying off until I'm in the grave. I struggle with each paycheck to keep my head above water for basic necessities.

  Through all of it was the lesson that you had to work hard and there was no option but to do the job to the best of your ability. I have held on to that lesson and always attempted to reflect that in my choices.

  Now, I desperatley want to move back to Indiana. To do that, I have to save quite a sum of money. I've been attempting to do that for some time, but it is very difficult to have much extra left over to put in to savings. My desire to move and the time frame in which our entire Oregonian-branch plans to move is looming and this has created pressure for me.

   I took a part time job in the hopes of having a way to actually save. I had such high hopes and dreams for it. Even dreams that it could be a position that would transfer me back that way for a starting job until I get settled. But it is now clear that my physical limitations are going to prevent that from happening.

   As I sat on my couch last night, legs propped up with ice packs and breathing through horrendous charlie horse cramps from the bottom of my feet to my butt and swollen grapefruit knees and stabbing pains in my joints, I had to admit that I can't do it this way. This is not the option that is going to get me where I need to go.

   My mental challenges are kept maintained with the help of a specialized prescription cocktail and sessions with an amazing psychiatrist. However, the number one thing that can send me carreening off of the mental cliff like Thelma or Louise is financial stress.

  I have come a long way (baby), trust me. But the fear and panic and self accusation that permeates every cell is debilitating. It paralyzes my rationale. It sends my self approval in a tailspin spiral. I can't breathe. I can't see past the gaping canyon.

   I have spent the night and day going over every angle and I have decided that I cannot put my main job in jeapordy by getting injured and I love my real job. I cannot put my body in danger from injury. This position was an on-you-feet-the-entire-shift position with a lot of physical activity. It was high hopes to begin with, but I tried.

   One lesson I learned from the cliff in 2008 is that I have to allow myself to not be able to do something. It doesn't mean failure. But my voices only scream failure. It's an enormous effort to combat that energy and combat within my spirit.

   It's hard though. Hearing what I translate as disappointment or disapproval in someones tone of voice can be an added push, like an little more putting the pedal to the medal for optimum soaring distance.  But the moment I allow myself one iota of assurance that all is still well, the flood of relief is overwhelming.

   Now, I will continue to look for another job that allows me to not be on my feet. I am highly intelligent, I've done every job known to man, I am fast, I am efficient, I am hard working and I am good at whatever I do. I have goals. I have specific aspirations.

   Grace. That's how this whole blog even started. It always comes back to grace.

Have I changed that much????

It's gotten to that point that I am so utterly confounded and confused by certain things right now. I am utterly flabbergasted by so much that is being said and believed. I, in no way, believe I have all the answers or that my beliefs are the right beliefs for everyone. Have I changed THAT much since leaving Indiana?

Really? Cause I know that I have changed in so many absolutely positive and healthy ways and I feel that my life experiences have really given me a great foundation to go from but I have I changed in such a way that my foundational beliefs are not at all the same as those that were entrenched in my very being? Is it just me? Am I the one that is being closed off? Cause I don't think so.

I think those that know me have known for a long time that I am all about discussion and hearing other points and even, surprise surprise, changing my mind and opinion when I have taken the mature step to investigate on my own. It saddens me. Really hurts my heart. Cause I feel as if the differing beliefs and my strong personality of saying anything and everything is causing chinks in the armor. It's unfortunate.

I hope once the election is over, things can go back to normal. I have never experienced an election with this much at stake and this much difference between the candidates. I can't see any other option BUT Obama. So what does that say about me? Does it change your view of me? Do you think I am less intelligent or aware? Do you think I am cheering for the downfall of this great nation? Do you think I am completely naive to actual research stuff and read all kinds of sources and listen to all kinds of views? Cause I do admit, that's kinda how I see the other camp.

My first sense of detachment from my old life due to my disbelief in the Church and in the lifestyle of Christianity. And now I see those same gaps opening wider with this election. The election is not about religion - it shouldn't be about religion - but the mindset of the American church is absolutely pervasive within all of these discussions and I just do not agree that a segment of the population who believes in 'Christianity' should be the ways to make policy and laws that affect EVERYONE - not just Christians.

We are a country made up of so many amazing treasures and blessings from every religion - there is good and bad in all, but God is GOOD ALL THE TIME. He's got this! We don't have to fight over this crap! He's got it all under control. Chill out and talk about what matters when it comes to economics, healthcare, assistance, education, environment, military, war and what we are providing to the next generation.Leave God out of it!

I can't stand by and say that is ok. It is nto ok with me at all. Stick to the issues and stay out of everyone else's religion beliefs and lifestyles. Mind your own business! Deal with the issues within your own home and family. Teach your children the lessons and religious/spiritual teaching and share it with everyone in your life. Feel free!

Be a light out there in the world and a fisher of men. But take a look at how your Jesus ministered to the needy.

Look at how your Jesus flipped over tables in the temple when greedy business men took control of the house of worship to focus on money and profit and income.

Look at how your Jesus had a passion for protecting those in need - lepers, prostitutes, children, lame and even those jerks that killed him.

But keep your church and your Christianity out of my American citizen rights. Just because you don't agree/believe in gay marriage, DON'T get gay married. If you don't agree/believe in abortion, well tough cookies! It's one of the ugliest aspects of human life but it ain't going away. It is a reality and it is something that goes way beyond whether it's moral or ethical. And until YOU have had to make that agonizing decision, think before you speak. Was your pregnancy voluntary or maybe unexpected, but a happy thing? Was your child conceived in love, or in the dark dirty alley by a stranger or a drunk frat boy or even your family?

This may seem stupid - and yes, I've had TWO people call me stupid in two days - but this is what I believe. No one else has to. But when I am asked why I support Obama or why I am so fearful of Romney being in power, I am happy, willing, able, capable of answering and discussing.

And I have NEVER gone on anyone's Facebook page and called them out on their beliefs or harassed them or called them names. And what's interesting, it's been 'Christians' that have called me stupid for my beliefs.

Job well done!!!!! That is why more and more folks are resistance to having anything to do with Church and much less Christians. I have said for a long time, and this was echoed by someone else earlier today who comes from the same place I do, if I meet someone new and they tell me they are a Christian, they will have to prove themselves to me and I am way more resistant to allowing you in my life. If a mechanic or a landscaper tries to sell himself by saying he has a Christian business, I 100% will not use them.

While individuals may not intend this and feel it is unjustified judgement of 'all' Christians, it is a reality. And this election process is spotlighting the worst parts of what has always been intended to be a religion based on love, forgiveness, grace, kindness, patience, self control, slow to anger, quick to help, etc..

And don't call me stupid.

Book quotes - "The Peach Keeper" by Sarah Addison Allen

** Sarah Addison Allen is one of my all time favorite authors. I love every single book!!!! I cannot help but read them multiple times - and fall in love with them all over again. I HIGHLY recommend these books. **

"...Because we are connected as women. It's like a spiderweb. If one part of the web vibrates, if there's trouble, we all know it. But most of the time we're just too scare of selfish or insecure to help. But if we don't help each other, who will?" (audiobook track 4-09)

This is so very true! I don't know if there is anything better in life (other than a happy marriage and happy, healthy kids...but as a single gal, I have the benefit of different priorities) than an amazing female friendship?

I say female because I have been lucky enough to have some AMAZING male friends over the years. Male friends that were always and only male friends. That in and of itself is a huge blessing. But it is categorically different than female friendships. There are times when that is the best element in the world and there are other times when you absolutely need someone else with a high level of estrogen to listen, help, cry, understand, eat ice cream with, etc..

Friends come in all shapes and size; all ages from kiddos to wise octogenarians; various educational and socio-economic backgrounds; differing religions and possibly thousands of miles apart. But the true friendships that last over time can withstand the trials and tribulations of life.

Take a moment to think of some amazing, long-lasting girlfriends and send off a happy email, Facebook post, or even better, an actual snail mail card to brighten her day. Tell her how much you love her and how you appreciate every second of her friendship.

Book quotes: 'The Year of Pleasures' by Elizabeth Berg

Jacket cover: "...a resilient woman embarks upon an unforgettable journey of adventure, self-discovery, and renewal....it's about acknowledging the solace found in ordinary things: a warm bath, good food, the beauty of nature, music, friends, and art."

"I had an odd but familiar feeling inside, a kind of surety without grounding. It was something I often felt as a child, and if I should say, Yes, here, this is the place, just like that, and then go in search of somewhere to live. Why not? What I to lose, really?....I remember a story I once heard about a couple from a farm in Iowa looking for a place to live in Washington, D.C. They weren't having any success; everything was incredibly expensive, and to make matters worse, they had three dogs. They became greatly discouraged, and the one day the woman threw up her hands and said, "All right. Let's just drive ten minutes one way and then turn left. And then drive ten minutes more and turn right. And then ten minute straight, and if we don't find something, we'll give up." What they drove to was a huge farmhouse just outside the city, and a man was standing outside of it. Feeling more than a little foolish, the couple asked if the man happened to know of anything around for rent. Turned out he had a little house on his property he used for hired hands that was newly evacuated. Freshly painted. They have it for next to nothing if they'd help a bit with chores. And three dogs? No problem!...."Sometimes serendipity is just intention, unmasked." - pages 8 - 9

"There is a story about a Navajo grandfather who once told his grandson, 'Two wolves live inside me. One is the bad wolf, full of greed and lzaziness, full of anger and jealousy and regret. The other is the good wolf, full of joy and compassion and willingness and a great love for the world. All the time, these wolves are fighting inside me.' 'But grandfather,' the boy said. 'Which wolf will win?' The grandfather answered, 'The one I fee.'" - page 165

"My mother always used to take a long bath on Christmas Eve, and I would always lie in the hall outside the bathroom in anguished anticipation, wondering how she could possibly take so long when there were presents waiting to be opened. But I saw now that she was savoring the moment before, and that was what I was doing now, too. My mother must have imagined my father and me opening our cuff links and doll clothes; I was thinking of the people who might find pleasure in what my store offered - not only in the things but in the ideas they might inspire." - page 204

Words of love.....

"Words of love, so soft and tender don't win a girls heart anymore....If you love her then you must send her, somewhere where she's never been before..." - Mama Cass

I have never been that girl that had boyfriends. I spent the majority of my life as a single woman. Thankfully I have always found comfort in that and not heartache. Over the past few years I have had more experience learning about relationships and how to deal with the male species.

A lot of that experience would curl your toes and make you see a side of me you never expected. While most wouldn't understand, that time was a time of empowerment and discovery for me. I learned a lot about myself: how I react to situations when it involves a partner, areas of my life and my personality that I need to reshape and mold to create a healthier dialogue and safe space, the desires that I want from a partner, the faults that I see in myself that others see as amazing strengths, etc..

I reached out to break every single one of my comfort zones when I met this man. He was 100% different than what I was used to in every way, shape and form. It took courage to step out of that circle and embrace something new and fresh and to have the perspective that I would do anything to make that relationship happy, healthy and long lasting.

I have hit a wall where my communication skills, while vast, are not being received or translated in the manner that they should. The red flag that popped up on day 3 is the same red flag that is popping up on day 100 something. I refuse to be THAT girl who ignores all the advice, counsel, guidance, encouragement that I give other people and remain in a place of mire and muck.

For a tiny second I had that nagging fear that I will never, ever find another man who matches me on 97% of my being, who finds me as beautiful and sexy as he does, who appreciates my intelligence and world view (while also being scared of it too), who can make me laugh in the silliest of situations, who has encouraged me to break some of those social fears and barriers that have been built up over the last 4 1/2 years, who has taught me to be a tad more spontaneous rather than rigidly planning everything and most importantly, who comes from the same religious household structure that I had - there wasn't the need to make him understand the hurt and pain caused by that lifestyle, he gets it!

But I say NO. I say NO to accepting a huge speed bump that is tearing the shit out of my undercarriage and throwing my alignment WAY off. I say NO. I say I am MORE important and I am WORTHY of respect.

If you love me, you will do everything in your power to help me. If you love me, you will listen to my words and see they are as honest and open as they can possibly be (come on now, anyone who knows me knows I have a very thin filter and I will say exactly what is on my mind - and I am a skilled public speaker and writer, so I know how to use my words effectively) and NOT translate them to the most negative experience from your background when I am not your past. If you love me, you will overcome your trust issues and recognize all that I have done to work with you on that and to be patient even when that is not my strong suit.

If you love me, you would move heaven and earth to ease my pain. And if you are the cause of that pain and you have the ability to fix it, and you chose not to or you chose to ignore it and tell me to 'get over it', then there's the door and don't let it slap you on the way out.

I am sad. It hurts. But I am still in charge of my own destiny and I love MYSELF enough to know that I have no time for someone that doesn't respect me in that way in return.

But, I have learned SO much! So much about myself, so much about the man I want to be with, so much about what I need to fulfill my big hole lacking love, so much about the love I can give and provide and learned that I actually CAN be patient with folks even if they aren't on the same page with me.

But I have also learned that my go-to response of leaving is not necessarily a bad thing. I have to trust my gut and I have to listen to that voice inside. I did not give up. I did not throw in the towel for no reason or out of fear or out of trying to sink the ship.

I will prevail. There is nothing I can't do. And I know that I am loved and I do love. And that's what matters. This is all you need.

Book quotes...."What We Keep" by Elizabeth Berg

"People always told me I was perceptive....But I didn't want to learn any more about human nature than I knew already....it occurs to me that I did not pursue any profession having to do with psychology because if I understood more about how people work, how they are, I might understand my mother. If I understood her, I might have to forgive her. And at some critical time, I became very much invested in not forgiving her - we all did.

It became an underpinning in our reduced family, a need, even; just as there seems to be a terrible need for family feuds to continue. In a way, it is as if your refusal to forgive is too much a part of you for you to lost it. Who would you be without it? Not yourself. Lost, somehow. Think of how people tend to pick the same chair to sit in over and over again. We are always trying to make sure we know where we are. Though we may long for adventure, we also cherish the familiar. We just do." (page 56 - 57)
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"When my mother returned home from trying on Jasmine's hat, she was flushed and happy. Through the open kitchen window I heard her humming with the radio. "Catch a Falling Star" was playing. I like that song, too, liked the notion of having a pocketful of starlight. I hoped for such a thing, in fact. I believed at the time that starts were five-pointed objects you could hold in your hand, a sort of fancier version of tinfoil variety. I was ignorant to the heat and size and the most astounding fact of all, that some stars I saw were not really there at all." (page 81)
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"I was downstairs, reading."
" Now?" I strained to see her face. She was smiling, it appeared.
"Yes, now," she said. "It's nice, sometimes, to read in the middle of the night. The sky is so dark and soft-looking outside the window, all the stars out. You have just on light on, you know, and it seems to pour onto the page. Makes the book seem better. You are this little island, just up alone with a book. And you heard the night sounds of the house...It's so interesting to me, that sound. Time. The measure of it." (page 103 - 104)
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Book quotes....'The Department of Lost & Found' by Allison Winn Scotch

"So. This girlfriend. What happened to her?" I leaned back against the kitchen island.

"She wasn't the one...Well, I guess the people who we were when we met - which was just out of college - and who we ended up being the time we split - we just weren't the same. She wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I wanted the same of her." He shrugged. "Sometimes the math just doesn't work out, even if you think it will." (pg. 118 - 119)

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"It's amazing how life works," I said aloud at some point. "How fate and how faith and how destiny just all come together. How if you hadn't sat down next to me of if I'd decided to go to Princeton, how we probably wouldn't be here right now."

"You know, I almost didn't ask you for the gum that day. I remember thinking that I looked so lame trying to make conversation. Funny looking back on it now, right?....What a tragedy that would have been. But I guess that's how it works. Life dishes it out, brings you together, pulls you apart, whatever. It's up to you to figure out the intended course."

I smiled at myself in the mirror. Good fortune, I though. I'm pretty sure that I already have it. (pg. 297)

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Butterfly memories....

"She had lived 34 years keeping everything inside & now she was letting everything go like butterflies released from a box. They didn't burst forth, glad to be free. They simply flew away....softly....gradually. So she simply watched them go.

Good memories of her mother and grandmother were still there. Butterflies that stayed. A little too old to go anywhere. That was ok. She would keep those."

Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen

** One of my all time favorites book ever! **

What is your love language?

Gary Chapman's concept of "Five Love Languages," helps people speak and understand emotional love when it is expressed through one of five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Chapman argues that while each of these languages is enjoyed to some degree by all people, a person will usually speak one primary language, but all are important. - Gary Chapman (2010). 

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Press. ISBN 978-0-8024-7315-8

I re-read Mr. Chapman's book last summer after I began thinking about what it would take for me to finally accept and receive love from someone not in my family or a close friend. I now believe that fate (or God) did that in order to allow me time to process what I learned prior to finding someone to LOVE on. 

We all have one love language or a mixture of any or all five languages. For me, I am 75% quality time, 8% receiving gifts, 7% acts of service and 10% words of affirmation. My main love language is time and I have examined this in depth. 

I honestly believe this comes from the wonderful memories I have of when my parents/grandparents spent time investing in me as a child and enjoying my presence. So many hours of my early years were spent in church or church activities and while I always knew folks loved me and enjoyed me as a child, I never felt much undivided attention. I was so very lucky to have my Mom who spent generous time with me and really helped craft who I am as a woman. I was also blessed to have my Aunt Jane who would let me tag along with her on her errands, or let me watch her get ready for dates studying her as she put on her makeup, or our movies dates (Pet Cemetary anyone?). In all that time, we would talk and talk and talk. I never doubted, and will never have to, doubt the love from my Mom and my Aunt.

Who doesn't love gifts? But when I say gifts, I mean someone finding a frog sticker and saving it for me cause they knew I'd find it funny. Receiving a '4 yr old' birthday figurine that one of those adults who adored me as a child found at a yard sale. She used to buy me those every year on my birthday and it made her think of me enough that she made the effort to get it to me all the way here in Oregon. Or my Grandma buying me an awesome frog bookmark that is holographic and changes colors and shapes knowing my love of reading (thanks to her no doubt). Anything that indicates someone thought of ME specifically and knew that I would appreciate and enjoy whatever it is.

Acts of service comes from the fact that it is one of the main ways I express love to others. However, me receiving acts of service is hard for me. It's difficult for me to ask for help because I tend to feel so vulnerable. But when I come home from a long day at work to find that Isaac has done the entire sink load of dishes from the night before, I just about do cartwheels. He knows that I am a clean freak and he guessed that would make me happy, and he was right.

Words of affirmation is a STRONG language. One of the most important in my opinion. Sometimes I wonder if time and affirmation should share more of the % in my world, but my strong personality enables me to shield myself and believe in my own self affirmation (sometimes to by destruction). 

I became a highly functional perfectionist with big time control issues. I was expected to always say the right thing, do the right thing, be the right thing, so there wasn't a lot of words of guidance issued because it was an assumed reality; however, when we did do good in school and such, our parents made sure we knew they were proud of us. Nonetheless, the little communication I had with my father and our highly dysfunctional relationship created a hole in my psyche when it comes to words of criticism. For years I felt the only verbal communication he and I had were of discipline and strict religious instruction - no words about my favorite band, no saying that he liked my fingernails, or whatever. No words of love even. And that's been a hard one to try and overcome.

As an adult, I have had some major issues in this area. Most the time I was completely clueless that they were issues, it wasn't until recently that I realized what a bitch I was being!!!!! I have been working on these issues for some time and thankfully I have made some progress - there is ALWAYS hope.

Chapman stresses that it's not just about recognizing your language or even receiving love through your language (s) but also how we give love back through someone else's love language.

My new relationship has given me a chance to put this in to practice. I knew Isaac's primary love language within a few days of our dating. Thankfully we share it on some degree - I can't imagine trying to communicate with someone through a language that does not play a role in your emotional health. 

I have found that when I communicate to him through his love language, he feels so much more confident and secure in our relationship. We both have a lot of insecurities from our past and from our adult lives - we had similar childhoods but after 18 our lives went in totally different directions. However, he is able to communicate his needs and fears and possible misunderstandings in a calmer, more rational and healthy way.

I have found that writing him little notes in the morning before I go to work meets one of his needs in such an amazing way. It lets him know that I woke up thinking of him and that I will be missing him till I see him again. He has written assurance that I love him even more today than I did yesterday. It allows him to approach his day with comfort and I am happy to be able to give him that little boost every morning. And guess what? When I get home, he has a little note to me in return letting me know he missed me through the day and he'll be thinking of me while he's at work. And it makes my evening!

I would encourage you to check out the 5 love language principles. They are from a Christian/religious perspective, but they are valid for anyone, anywhere, regardless of your religion or non-religion. Read around it. Get to the meat and potatoes of it and I promise you will not be disappointed. I would LOVE to hear your feedback and learn how you are implementing love languages in your life and in your relationships.

Do you embrace or to you fear change?

"It seems her life there is beginning to change in ways she is only now starting to understand. Shouldn't she see it through?....She has to learn patience and trust at some point....

Is it true one can become so fixed in one's ways that it really is impossible to change? 

Or are there preordained stages in life? 

Altered somewhat by each person's eccentricities, of course, but preordained stages 

through which people must pass. 

Meaning one must be changing all the time whether one wants to or not."

 - Home Safe by Elizabeth Berg

I adore reading! I have been an avid reader since I was very, very young. Most of the time I read non-fiction, often forensic stories, and other times interesting bios or historical novels. Sometimes I share snipets of my favorite passages because I find that they often lead my mind down an unplanned path and it just might speak to someone else as well.

This passage speaks about change and I am a big fan of personal improvement and new self knowledge. I adore thinking of the possibilities of change that are possible to improve one's self for the the greater good of their own happiness and the greater good for the world around them. 

However, I acknowledge, and readily admit that I don't often like change when it comes to my schedule or the way I 'do things,' but I've begun to learn that there are rare moments when someone else's way of doing things are better than mine. One area I am struggling with lately is how I react when there is a change in plans.

Honestly, you would think that my world is being destroyed in one swoop with the way my body and mind react when there is even the slightest change of plans. I feel rage shoot from the tips of my toes to the very top of my head. I can go from looking forward to spending time in a fun activity with loved ones to being so upset that it ruins any chance of me enjoying myself and quite possibly ruining it for others.

My body language and countenance speak volumes of my distress and anger and that is translated into rudeness, selfishness, and straight up bitchy attitude.

I acknowledged this behavior fir the first time shortly after my experiences four years ago and I have been making steps to fix it; however, as with everything, there is a LONG way to go. For so long I would use the excuse of, 'This is who I am, I can't change it.' But as of this past year, I have begun to see that yes, I am who I am, but I can change and change can bring so much more peace, joy and happiness within myself and for those around me.

My sister-in-law, Heather, has been such a blessing and a treasure since the very day Josh and I met here in May 2008. She has taught me so much about going with the flow and finding fun and laughter in every situation regardless of the overall circumstance. She always makes the choice to see the positive. She always makes the choice to do her best no matter how she feels or whether that's what she wants to do or not. She always makes the choice to encourage others and point out the positive about them. She always makes the choice to always, always, always be there for her family and her friends. She always makes the choice to laugh when she forgets her keys, or the diaper bag, or her phone. She always makes the choice to not let a 5 minute or a 45 minute delay ruin the fun and enjoyment to be had in all situations.

My new, and really my first, healthy and mature relationship is shedding light on this area, and others, in which I desperately need improvement. For so long I felt it absolutely vital to pour out all of my damaged parts and areas of contention to a guy within 15 minutes of meeting because I had absolutely no desire to waste time on a man that can't deal with who I am, or who I thought I was at that time. 

But with Isaac, it's been totally different. I think a large part of why that didn't feel necessary with him is because our backgrounds, as far as our childhood being raised in rather strict Christian households, are so absolutely similar hat I feel he gets me without extra explanations as to why Church and Christianity are such a huge part of my foundation and who I am as a person. What a relief!!!! 

Nonetheless, there is still that scared little girl that is terrified he will see something he doesn't like and that will make him leave me - once he sees the perfect veneer break away and crack, will he still want to be with me and love me.

I had a slight manic episode on Friday night and I thought for sure this would be the thing to prove to him how fucked up I actually am and how damaged I am. I tried to hide the panic and sadness that I had been feeling for a few days but he saw through it and patiently asked me what was wrong throughout those few days. At some point, the sadness just overwhelmed me and I lost it. I was crying uncontrollably and for absolutely no concrete reason. I was terrified to let him see me in that state.

And you know what he did? He pulled me in to his arms on the couch and just held me and told me he loved me and kissed the top of my head until I could breathe and stop crying. He listened, he didn't speak, he just listened. He assured me that nothing like this would end his love for me and in fact, this expression of humanness and imperfection made him love me more because it's evidence that I am not perfect (even though I tell him this all the time, he still sees me as being on such a high pedestal).

I hope that I continue to see change as a challenge that should be readily accepted and used to the most of it's ability. I do think that we believe we are so fixed on one's ways that it is impossible to change, but I think that is just a lie we tell ourselves to provide an easy out. Change is never easy when it comes to tackling serious, engrained, learned responses and behaviors - but it is absolutely possible!

I am thankful to be changing all the time because I honestly believe each change I have made has made me a better person - more enjoyable to be around - easier to love - and easier to feel love from me.

When Christians attack.....

http://www.14news.com/story/19334363/gay-couple-asked-to-leave-evansville-church

"We're told the decision to make the change was made by a small select group of people, 

and not the church as a whole."

The main reason I felt led to start this blog was because of specific issues that I have had with the Church and issues that dear friends have faced from the 'Rock' in which we are supposed to stand, rooted on a firm foundation of God and in which hell, and therefore evil, may not prevail against. 

"And I say to thee. thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it." Matthew 16:18

What happens when it's a portion of the Rock that is coming against you? Is that God's hand moving? Or is it simply an unfortunate behavioral trait in which those who are holy are free to prevail against those that might be wounded or on their own path? And is it acceptable for the judgmental behavior of individuals within the Church who are deemed holy enough to come down against others in the Church, or maybe even those who are new to the Church, because they are hurting or struggling or confused or lost? (Let me be clear, I am NOT in any way saying someone who is gay is hurting, or struggling or confused or lost simply because of their identity.)

It was announced that a church in my hometown in southern Indiana has decreed that it will no longer allow or initiate individuals who identify as gay as members of their congregation. Current congregant members will be grandfathered in and allowed to maintain their membership, but there will be no future membership. 

Maybe you are unfamiliar with the way most churches work, but in most cases you can't just be a member, you have to be accepted as a member and complete various interviews or classes. They want to make sure you are willing to abide by the mission code of that congregation and they have the right to deny anyone membership based on that opinion. There are various codes of conduct and theology issues that must be reviewed and discussed as an individuals membership within a specific congregation is meant to be a life long commitment and is meant to be a vital part of your life, and even more important, the life of your family/household.

I can understand that a church would feel called to address this issue considering the hot topic it has become as of late with the Chick-Fil-A protests and the gay marriage debates. They have every right to do so and they have ever right to make the decision that they have made; however, do they have the right to tell a person that he/she is NOT welcome in that specific house of the Lord?

I was on the receiving end of judgement from within my congregation at a time in my life when things were falling apart in all directions. I won't go in to the specific situation, but I was lied about and the leadership believed what they heard rather than trusting who I was, what I stood for and my proven character/behavior over all of the years we were in ministry together. 

My duties were stripped away and I was made to feel very unwelcome despite the fact that I was one of the original founders of the church. That was when my first chasm between myself and the Church opened up.

A few years later I ran in to someone from that congregation and one of the first things she asked me was 'How is your relationship with Jesus?' Not how are you, how have things been going, where is life leading you right now or simply saying, 'Hey, it's so good to see you. Let's catch up!' Instead, she felt it was well within her right to ask me a highly personal question. I remember feeling so angry at that question. The first thing I wanted to say was, 'You have not seen, called, spoke to me in four years and you have the balls to ask me who I am with Jesus.'

Those years had been a time of real upheaval for me and it was a time when I began questing everything I had ever been taught or told to believe. I was high sensitive and very wounded and a question such as that, while it may appear absolutely innocent and well intentioned, was so very painful and added another nail in the coffin. 

That situation cemented my frustration and offense at those within the Church as a whole. I was offended that someone felt they had the right to dig in to an area of my life that was highly sensitive. I began to review my life as someone who has caused offense to folks along the way and I got angry with myself. I was slowly realizing that it was acceptable for me to question, to stand up for myself, to stand up for what I actually believe due to my lived experiences versus what I was told to believe or I was told was the foundation of my very being. 

Due to the fact that I cannot do anything about my past other than apologize to those I hurt, I have chosen to use my experiences and my gifts of discernment and encouragement to help others and to let them know that it is alright to be confused and question things. That is when God can reach you the deepest and where you are ready to learn amazing aspects you never dreamed possible.

I have developed very strong opinions on the American Church and what I see as harmful and damaging. I have listened to countless folks pour out their hurts, not the hurts from the world or from the sinners around them, but the hurts from those WITHIN the Church, those who at one time pledged to be strong and true breathern of Christ. And frankly, I'm tired of it! I'm disgusted and I think it is wrong! I think it needs to be called out and that the Church and those within it need to be held accountable for their words, actions, deeds, etc., in the same way they feel justified in holding the world accountable.

This is not one solitary occurance - this is one in a zillion occurances. I know folks that have been asked to leave the congregation because they felt called to confess a specific issue they were batteling and rather than receiving forgiveness and encouragement, they were rejected and asked to not return.

I know folks who have gone through divorces, some of them for 'Biblical' reasons and some of them not (which, let me just say, I believe is one of the MOST damaging lies of the Church). Some of them were based solely on a safety issue of the spouse and/or the children. Some of them were based on issues of infidelity or fraud or addiction issues. Regardless of what you feel or believe about divorce, it is a real and present issue within our society and it is an issue that brings someone to their very knees. The emotions and turmoil faced by a family in the midst of divorce is brutal and often overwhelming. What they need is comfort, love, kindness, encouragement, guidance in love. They don't need to be told that God hates divorce and that He will not bless them in their life if they leave this person, despite the circumstances.

There is a fine line between counseling and providing aspects of wisdom and foresight and standing in judgement - when you call someone out for something you don't agree on and then you just leave them hanging rather than providing in depth counsel and discussion and prayer then that is judgement, it is not Godly counsel in love.

It is not of God. Period. God does not turn people away who are seeking His face and His guidance. God does not turn people away who are in pain and living in fear. God does not turn people away who are sick or in desperate need of help. God does not turn away the hungry and he for sure doesn't turn away the hopeless.

I have heard, 'It's not God, it's people. People shouldn't reflect on how God is or how you live,' or a version of that sentence more times than I can count. And you know what my answer is, BULLSHIT! That's a sorry excuse for tolerated and accepted behavior - cause these traits are present in EVERY congregation, don't fool yourself in to thinking your congregation is immune. As a member of a congregation, flock or a part of the body of Christ, it is YOUR responsibility and duty to uphold the integrity of the definition of being a Christian. Be Christ like in ALL you do, not just the superficial surface appearances that others might see.

Yes it is people, it's not God, but those very people are the ones going around and telling everyone exactly what God thinks, exactly what He wants, exactly what He has in store and telling everyone that they, the people, sit at the hand of God and are harbingers of His message.

The examples of the BAD people within the church way, way, way out weigh the good elements and aspects in the eyes outside of the Church, in the eyes of the world. The BAD part is what the world is seeing, the very folks you are sent to help and heal. And they see that those not attempting to be judgmental are in fact condoning the harmful actions by not holding their body of Christ accountable. 

Stop focusing on making the world accountable and focus on your own church. Focus on the real life needs being presented and seek out God's hand in each situation but make sure you aren't adding in your own human interpretation and agenda. Focus on spreading the message in love and in open discussion - leave Scripture out of it sometimes, it's way more in depth than that and it is necessary in discourse of 2012. Look at the foundational principles and ask yourself what the root of a scripture passage is saying and if it lines up with what you know of God. Does it line up with the grace and compassion you have received despite your sins? Does it line up with what Jesus was teaching to the prostitutes and lepers? Does it line up with what He desired the Church to be and the role He sought for it to fill?

My spiritual mother once said that the Church is meant to be God's hospital. He has appointed nurses and physicians, those that went to school to administer His word and His love, to heal the sick and wounded, and even the scared and lost who wander in through the big sliding doors.  

Lots of the hospitals are good at welcoming new patients and beginning the triage portion of their treatment; however, somewhere between the ER and radiology the patient goes missing. After doing a quick search, the docs and nurses just chalk it up to the patients' lack of commitment to treatment. Further investigation shows that the patient did not leave willingly, they were politely ushered out the door when it was discovered that insurance wouldn't cover the tab. The patient was assured the big pink band aid that was placed over the gaping heart wound would do the trick as long as the patient would make the wound stop bleeding.

The point being, the Church is really good at welcoming visitors and they are even happier when they can issue a prescription for salvation and a promise that all of the hurts and fears will go away will a daily dose of prayer and the Bible. 

The new, baby Christian is often rejuvenated and on a grand spiritual and emotional high. They devour the Bible, prayer, church, Bible study, Christian radio, inspirational bumper stickers, the works. They are feeling much better than when they came in the door.

Inevitably symptoms return or new ones pop up and the baby Christian is not quite prepared for the oncoming storm. They hit the call button attached to their bed and the nurse comes to check on them. The nurse assures the patient that as long as he/she focuses on the prescription itself, it will work. They just have to believe harder. They just have to pray longer. They just have to read their Bible more.

Before radiology can take a deeper look within to diagnose the underlying issue, the patient has been nudged out of the doors because someone does not see them working hard enough to hold on to their salvation, whether that means they aren't in church every week or they forget to bring their Bible on Wednesday.

 

The patient become disheartened when the prescription seems to be lacking and the supporting staff aren't providing the necessary relief. Those who sought to tell them how to fix their miserable life have disappeared now that the high has wore off and the rubber meets the road. They leave the hospital injured more than when they arrived simply because no one wants to take the time to tend to the infection and splint the breaks.

They don't want to take the time to do the upkeep and maintenance, it might require too much of a sacrifice. Read your Bible, raise your hands in praise and worship, memorize these versus and then sit down and be quiet. We will handle it from here, you just follow.

This is what I see from the American Church today. I want to be someone that listens and can help those who have felt hurt and lost and rejected. I've been there. I've seen a lot. I've heard a lot. And I want to help those with this specific hurt. Someone who has lived through it can be your best advocate and confidant.

I hope that the Lord works in the hearts of those within American Baptist East. I hope that someone has the guts to stand up and say that this is not right. It is not right to reject a child of God and tell them that they are not welcome to worship. Yes, you may not agree with homosexuality and you may see it as a down right damnable sin, but that person, gay or straight, is a child of God and is seeking to live his/her life in the manner pleasing to Him. Not pleasing to you. You are not responsible for others who sin, you are responsible for your own sin.

Does allowing that person to attend your church make it less of a Church, of make you less of a Christian? Cause I think banning people from worshiping God is the great sin and I truly believe God is going to be more disheartened by condemnation in His name than He is in acceptance and kindness to a fellow human being seeking His face.

 God does not have a degree of sin - sin is sin. If sin is sin and you believe the only redemption from sin is the acceptance of Jesus Christ as your Savior, then it is not your place to judge whether that person's sins are forgiven or not.

When God answers us even after we forget the question...

As I was on my way to work this morning I was reminded of a quick little prayer I had offered up last week. As you may recall, I mentioned in an earlier post that I very rarely spend much time in prayer with the exception of little bits of conversation I have with God throughout the day or if someone specifically asks for prayer.  It wasn't really something I was expecting a response on to be absolutely honest with you. This was more like an 'Oh yeah, by the way....' kind of request as I was driving down the road to the umpteenth doctor's appointment of the week. It's something that I've been struggling to accomplish on my own for almost a year with very little, well actually none, success.

I had a severe flare up of my mysterious GI issue combined with a killer of a migraine on Thursday and Friday so I wasn't thinking of too much other than wishing for a sledgehammer to the frontal lobe. As I felt better on Saturday, I didn't give too much thought to the issue and by yesterday, I began to actually acknowledge that something had happened in that time. There was a sense of pleasure and accomplishment, but didn't give it much thought cause I immediately reminded myself I didn't want to jinx it and I did not even remember that I had asked for help.

It wasn't until this morning, sitting in traffic on the way to work, that I remembered my simple little request. I just had to stop and chuckle a bit. I was in the process of congratulation myself and giving me a big ol' pat on the back but then I heard a little voice saying, 'Really Heather? You are going to take full credit for that?'

I have the foundational belief that God is always aware of my life and is always there to hear me, despite the millions of other folks on this planet and all of their situations, He hears me. There have been so many times in my life where His hand has been clearly visible and present, sometimes even literally saving my life. Yet I quickly forget the power of that electric volt that hits your heart and soul when you see Him moving. I forget that He has brought me through so many things and has taught me so much about who He wants me to be.

I am always that person to encourage my spiritually minded friends that He is never surprised by your circumstances and He is always there to pick you up if you've fallen. I encourage them to seek His path and His desire for them in their moment of confusion or stress. I have absolutely confidence that His hand will move according to His desire for their request.

I forget that He is ever present even in the little things. This one request I had of Him is actually a huge deal for me on a personal level, one that no one else will be affected by in the short term; however, the long term benefits will be overwhelming and unknown as of yet.

I think more than anything, I have to remember that He is ever present in my own life and that I should not sell myself short just because I don't follow the ABC's of how I was taught to live out your religion. Even though I don't go to church, He is still a part of my life. He has not left. He is very aware of why I do not attend church and we are working on it, but for now, He is perfectly happy with where I am and I need to trust that His still, small voice will continue to guide my steps. I just have to keep my ears open and my nose facing forward.

Is there a time in your life where God has reminded you of His presence in a time when you felt all alone?

Light of the World

Some of my earliest memories take place in the first church I remember attending. At that time, in the late 70s and early 80s, it was called Light of the World (Christian) Fellowship. It began in a barn out on Pollack Road and was filled with the most amazing Jesus Hippies ever. My memories don't begin until the fellowship was relocated to an old monastery on Jefferson and Evans. The enormous (from a child's perspective) stone building was a schmorgesbored of nooks, crannies, a creepy basement and stair ways. It had a very distinct smell - one I can't even describe - and was comforting despite the cold temperatures in the winter and hot in the summer.

I am blessed to have several folks in my life today that I met as a wee babe in that very building and even one that used to chase me through the building terrorizing me and pulling my hair.

When I think of days gone by and the experiences I have had in the many churches I have attended, I always look back at my time at Light of the World, and later on Calvary Chapel, with the fondest of memories.

I can remember sitting in the sanctuary on Sunday mornings and staring at the stained glass window as I listened to Steve and Charlotte singing the most beautiful praise and worship music I have ever heard. Even at that early age, I thought that this must be one of the things in life that gives us a glimpse of heaven. The light, the colors, the music, the singing, the joy of those around me. Precious.

I remember listening to Chuck's voice and his words and watching him up there as he made eye contact with everyone and as he looked upon the congregation with a constant flicker of a smile on his face. I used to think he embodied a safe and sheltering shepherd. I remember him discussing the story of the lost sheep and how the shepherd will search high and low for that one sheep and when he finds it, he will carry the wounded sheep back to the flock on his shoulders.

In later years when I would hear that story again, the focus was always on the breaking of the sheep's leg and the brokenness that is comforted by the shepherds presence. I always reflected back that I liked Chuck's version better. Yes, it spoke of the necessary brokenness as creating an even great need for the shepherds guidance, but more importantly he focused on what the shepherd might be saying to the sheep on the way back. What might he question? Why did you leave the flock all by yourself? Why did you go over that hill by yourself? Didn't you see the ledge before you slipped? What would have happened if I didn't find you before it got dark, or started raining or you were found by a wolf?
 Why don't you listen to me?

Later on in life I spent some time as a sexual assault advocate for a local shelter. I took a call from a young woman who felt so incredibly broken that her entire being was crying out. As a rule, you do not discuss religious aspects with clients, but in that moment, I knew that I had to tell her that parable. I had to assure her that her shepherd was there looking for her and that he was going to take her on to his shoulders and bring her back to safety. He will tend her wounds and he will give her shelter.

While she may not have cried out for brokenness, as was typically the message in sermons, life brought her to her knees and to a place of utter destruction. This sheep didn't wander, this sheep was snatched away from under the sheep dog's nose. 

I don't know if that helped her or not. I never spoke with her again, but I hope that it did. And I hope that she was able to pass that message on to someone some day.

I would never have thought that a message I heard as a youngster, I'd say 7 or 8, would have stuck with me through all these years, but even now I think of that passage as I read and hear about life's hurdles in the lives of those I love and care about.

I've been through my own times of brokenness and I have learned to appreciate them as a treasure, not as a burden. Those times are when you are forced to stop and take a look at your surroundings. Where am I? How did I get here? What should I do? Can I do this on  my own? Help!!!!! It is in those moments that I find myself seeking the shepherd and clinging to his staff.

With brokenness can come permanent destruction and ruin or it can be a time of recovery and reflection gaining a new perspective and appreciation for the safely of the flock and the guidance of the shepherd.